Return of the King!

Jon returns today from a week in California. His work does not require that he travel excessively but often enough so that the entire household feels the loss of his presence. Puppies are not so jubilant, kids are not so bouncy, cats are still indifferent, and I show my missing him in maybe unusual ways. Eating cheez-its’s in bed then cleaning the sheets Thursday evening so he’ll never know. Watching all the period drama and chick flicks I can fit in once the kids are in bed. Wearing his clothes, nothing is sacred, boxers and t-shirts. Not shaving at all while he is gone at all. It’s medieval; both the act and the lack of it.
Solitude is oft alluring but seldom lives up to the promise made. Time is a commodity. One which should not be hoarded or it isolates yet also not given too freely or it will overwhelm the giver. Spent for the last few days I was in research and housework during the day and with the kids in the evenings. Given the siren call of the television during the day I believe I chose well. The evenings were filled with homework and art classes and cub scouts. When I stopped moving I missed him most.
Science Now is nothing without being able to interrupt and question him much to his displeasure. The twist my research paper took lacks an audience to thrill. Cuddling with the dogs is an option however they fart. When he leaves for these week long audits I realize how much I rely upon him to act as a counter balance to the day, a partner in successes, or as an ever present reminder that one is never whole. It’s infinitely divisible but on its own its wholeness is a lie. To be whole is to not be lacking. When judged alone many could say they do not lack but when in judged in relation to others masses find that they do. A book is not a collection of knowledge merely a part of it. We are all parts.
One of the many roles I play in life is my part in Jon’s. His wife, lover, confident, and it goes on endlessly. Prior to meeting Jon I held the belief that I might very well have been meant by our creator, by any name you chose, to walk alone. To lean more heavily on my children and family in a manner which asked much more of them then should be, placing more emphasis on my career and education, desperately trying somehow to lay out the weight of my life so that it would not crush me.
After much crying I would rationalize that I would be stronger eventually and that to accept and even endorse the deprivation of a partner in this life would still leave me whole. A whole mess.
Its been years and this has been the most difficult and rewarding relationship of my life. I have to communicate when I don’t want to, compromise when I don’t feel like it, and listen when I want to scream. Maybe there is hope for me after all.
On a more serious note let me advise you that Cheez-It Duoz should never be purchased in Zesty Queso or Cheddar Blanco – they suck. Not like a little but more like damn this is a useless food for comfort. It does taste of something institutionalized used to purify your palate.